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Sunday, July 25, 2010


Well, I am forcing myself to update the blog.  Haven't felt much like talking lately, and I'm really feeling out of sorts and ungrounded.  I knew Jag played a big part in my life, but I never expected to feel quite like this.  It's hard coming home and not seeing him.  It's hard not stepping over him when I come out of the bathroom, or dragging my feet in the middle of the night so as to make sure I don't step on him.  He always got "the best piece" or the "biggest piece" or the "front row" or the "chosen spot" or was "first pick" to come in the house, etc.  He had free reign.  I always told people he could do no wrong, because in my eyes, he couldn't.  And even if he did, who cares?  It's Jag.  So what if he ate the trash.  So what if he came out the gate when i told everyone to stay.  He did things on his own time, and his time was fine with me.

I keep telling myself that this has to get easier.  It hurts to breathe.

   by Jodi Darling

So many years ago, when I walked through the shelter
And saw row after row of sad, lonely faces ...
Concrete walls, metal bars, wet floors,
How do dogs like this end up in these places?

It was my son's 9th Christmas and there I was ...
Looking for that very special friend.
That friend that would love him unconditionally
To be there with that ear that only a dog could lend.

There were lots of dogs ... big ones and small ones
Fat ones and tall ones.
Purebreds and mixed breeds too...
Lots of choices in those runs.

I looked at plenty of them,
dismissing each as if in denial.
Then there you stood, all alone,
In the run at the end of the aisle.

I knew it was you the minute I saw you,
Skinny and wet, and obvious mental scars.
I headed straight to you, leaned down and
Hugged you right through the bars.

And I knew I loved you then.

We wrapped you in a bow,
and in his room you hid.
When Justin came home,
You knew that was your kid.

The bond was quick
The bond was tight
I had no doubt in my mind
We got this one right.

The two of you played
And rolled around on the floor
You'd both get tired,
But you'd be back for more.

And I knew he loved you then.

You matured into a wonderful dog,
Big, gorgeous, proud and strong.
A majestic presence in our home
Right where you belong.

My mom didn't know what to make of you
When she first met you.
You weighed almost as much as she did
She wasn't sure what to do

You quickly wormed your way into her life
Always by her side when she was alone
She'd always say, "I don't really like big dogs,"
And a minute later, hand you a bone.

There was one night when I couldn't sleep
And heard a muffled voice in the other room
I went out to investigate the noise
It had to be my mother's voice, I assume.

Her on the couch, and you in the loveseat,
Watching that cop show she used to enjoy.
She's shares her shrimp scampi with you,
As she's tells you you're such a good boy.

And I knew she loved you then.

Through the death of both my parents,
And through the ugly nasty divorce ...
You were there for me the entire time
Always by my side, of course.

As the years went on, you saw
many dogs come and go.
You raised all the puppies,
Heck, you raised Zip so long ago.

Our lives were intertwined,
So deep words could never express
The love I have for you, or
the meaning behind "Jagness."

That fateful day came, when
we were out on a walk with a friend
I wanted to drop the other dogs off
And walk with you to the other end.

You stumbled a bit down the bank
And I had a feeling down deep
That walk would never happen
The beginning of a promise that I must keep.

Hopefully I did my job and
Kept you comfortable and stress free.
It was the least I could do
For all that you've been for me.

Within a few days, it was obvious
the time had come.
Your hind end had gone out,
Your back legs were all but numb.

Your eyes told me all I needed to know
I didn't need to guess
I needed to suck it up and do what's right
I promised you no less.

Justin came out
To be with you and I.
To spend some time with you
As a final goodbye.

We held you when you left
We cried when you were gone
We miss you like crazy, Jag.
Your memory lives on.

And I know we loved you then, too.  And always will.  Rest in peace, my friend.

Good night, Jag.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Walking Lawnmowers

So here's a short update.  I haven't done much around here or felt much like blogging about anything, but I did accomplish something tonight. 

The sheep have eaten down the west pasture pretty good.  It's a dry pasture, so it went quick.  In the meantime, I grew up the grass in the backyard and the area next to the dog kennel, so they've been happily chewing on that.  And that's good, because my lawnmower is starting to cough and sputter and needs a tuneup.

So the water on the west pasture ... that was going to be tricky.  I am not really ready to try to flood it, and even though there are sprinklers out there, I am not into buying a pump and then having the electricity done, etc.  That's an expensive option.  But ... if you remember ... there was a mobile home out there.  So ... there's a pipe that's capped off.  I uncapped it, and went to Home Depot and bought all of the little pipe pieces I needed, put a riser on it, and a spigot.  From the spigot, I ran a hose to a sprinkler, and I now have water (albeit coming from my well) on to my west pasture.  I'm jazzed about that.  Now I can clean up the rest of the trash in that pasture and it will be done for the most part for now.

And then it will be time to start working on the east pasture.

Burned a bunch of stuff tonight.  Got stuff ready to go to the dump on Saturday.  I really need to clean my house.  Need to pull up my big girl pants and vacuum up the last of Jag's hair -- something I really really don't want to do.  Having it lay there isn't going to bring him back, though.

Reese has been quite the little pup, though.  She is a busy busy busy little thing, but she loves to cuddle and is very concerned about where I am and what I'm doing all the time.  Her and Echo play all the time.  Zip is not nuts about any of it.  He sees Reese coming and he starts looking for some place to hide.  Crabby old fart.

I have the photos edited from when Carolynn was here, and I'll eventually find the time and drive to post them.  Maybe.



I knew it was going to be bad, but I had no idea, really.  I always said, "When I lose Jag, just put me in the looney bin."  Who knew how much truth that would hold?

This has brought me to my knees.  The entire house is different.  Jag was stability for me.  Safety.  I knew I was ok with him here.  I don't have that now.  What I can't get over is that, mentally, he was fine.  I can't believe I held him while he died, I wrapped him in a blanket, put him in the back of my truck, and had him burned.  He's gone.  He's fucking gone.

The depression is kicking my ass.  I still lay in the spot I put him down in and just sob.  I miss hearing him bark.  I miss all his fucking hair all over the place.  I miss him nudging my arm to pet him some more.  And some more.  I miss seeing him waiting for me, smiling and wagging his tail, when I pull up in the driveway.  I miss watching him lift his head higher, but still letting Reese jump on him.  I miss watching Echo trying to charm his non-existent pants off.  I miss everything about him, and I'm sick of knowing he's never coming back.  I still can't believe it.  I feel like I killed my dog.

What now?  What the fuck am I going to do?  I can't get another guard dog.  That's his spot.  The tears give me a headache. 

And there are some people in this world who are about as comforting as a porcupine on crack.  You know who you are.  Please kiss my ass.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Forever gone, but never forgotten ...

I love you, Jag.  I miss you like crazy, and I'm lost without you.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Happy 4th!

I'm so bad about updating this lately.  I've been busy, and it's all good.

The sheep are finally fenced into their own pasture (the smaller one) and are taking good care of it ... in quick order.  That pasture, however, is not irrigated, so the rush is on to get the fencing up in the other pasture and get the irrigation working right there.  Hopefully, next year, this will all be taken care of and I can start fresh.  The goal for this year -- complete the fencing and get all of the irrigation working properly.  That would be great.

Carolynn is here with Brynn and Beth.  It's so nice to see her, and I look forward to spending some time with her.

The dogs are all doing well.  Reese is getting big (I think she'll be much bigger than her mother) and I really need to get some photos of her. 

We're thinking of going out to Colleen's property tonight ... (if that's ok with you, Colleen!) to watch fireworks over the Snake River / Marsing area.  Hopefully the sound won't be too bad (for the dogs) but the visual will be good.

Take care, and be safe!  So many idiots on the road tonight.