Happy Thanksgiving!

(Ok, this is probably some of the sappiest shit I have ever written, but man ... it was a long time coming and it felt good to write it.)

I know that when people normally think of Thanksgiving, they think of lots of food, lots of family, and lots of partying. It's a little different for me. I think of the stragglers, the orphans, if you will. I am one. My son and I are the only ones from my whole family up here. I am very fortunate to have a lot of really great people in my life who, when I say they are my friends, I mean that with every fiber of my being. Janie and Kirk have been taking my son and I in for the last three years around the holidays, and I am really grateful to them, for it makes getting through the holidays much more pleasant when you're around people you love.

There are plenty of people in the world, though, that arean't as fortunate as me. Something I think about quite often is forming a "Stragglers' Thanksgiving." Finding a nice facility, advertising it, and then providing all the food and comforts of home, and people can come and meet and drink and be merry. This wouldn't be a homeless thing where donations would be accepted. You'd sign up ahead of time and pay a fee. It would be an annual retreat per se. And hopefully people would enjoy themselves enough to return the following year. Last year's photos would don the walls, video of the festivities taken and shown in later years, and each year, people would see some familiar faces and hopefully meet a bunch of new ones. But the key is, they wouldn't be sitting at home alone around the holidays thinking about what used to be, and wishing of what it could be.

Everyone has lost someone in their life, and knows the pain associated with it. I lost my mother at the end of 2005 and, as many of you know, I am still having a hard time dealing with it. And I imagine I will for the rest of my life. My mother was everything to me. She was a pillar of strength, yet gentle as a lamb when need be. She made lots of people laugh, but could make them cry in an instant, or make them wish they never crossed her. Someone called me "complex" the other day ... and I took that as a compliment becuase it instantly made me think of my mother. There has never been a more wonderful woman that has ever walked the face of this Earth, and if I strive to be a mere 5th of what she was.

While I don't have my mother anymore, I do have all of the great memories of our time together. Some day I will be able to go through the box of photos in the garage, and maybe even hang a few of her up. I don't think I'm there yet. In fact, the thought scares the shit out of me. So forget this thought. Back to my original thought. It always makes me so sad to talk to someone who doesn't have as great a relationship with their mom as I did with mine, doesn't have a relationship with their mother at all, or never had the opportunity to know their mother. If I could have one wish for those people, that would be where my wish went. I am very thankful for the many years I got to share with my mother, my teacher, my leader, my protector, my confidante, my cheesecake partner, and most importantly, my best friend. I am proud to call her my mother, and honored to be her daughter.

Oh shit. It's only 7:00 in the morning. Can you imagine what kind of day this is going to be?

When I was growing up, Thanksgiving was a bit of a zoo. Lots of activity, but it was a lot of organized chaos. My mother would be busy cooking dinner, and I'm sure I was hanging Scott Baio posters in my room or some stupid thing. My dad would come visit, and bring his mother (my "Nana"). Nana was a wonderful person also. With five kids in my family, there was always some sort of fight to be had on Thanksgiving. A lot of it I didn't understand back then, but I understand it more now. We were your typical American family. The food was always yummy, the table was beautiful, and my mother was at the center of it all. The matriarch of the family. Divorced mother of 5 raising them all on her own. My dad would come by and visit once a week, acting almost as if he could solve the week's problems in a couple of hours. Despite the conflict, I was still able to manage to have a pretty close relationship with my dad as well -- although very different from that of what my mom and I had.

I watched as my mom raised us five kids, and then when I was 17, she moved us out of New Jersey to Arizona. I thought I was moving to sand dunes. But Arizona was gorgeous. And then out to California. Mom stayed in California for many years, and when she retired, she went back to her beloved Arizona. She planted herself in Quartzsite. I know she would rather have been further in to Arizona, but she was just over the border and stayed close enough, yet far enough away and that was how she liked it. I forgot where I was going with all this. Oh yeah, I remember.

Once I had Justin, I started to see a glimpse of what she had going. I was 19, left Justin's father, and was raising Justin on my own. By comparison, when I was born, my mother was going through a divorce, and had a newborn baby (me) and 4 siblings. Jeff would have been 13, Judy 10, Jack was 8 and Jill was 5. If that was me, I would have jumped off a cliff. Not my mother. She trudged forward with the confidence and grace to handle any situation. She made no excuses, loved her children to the best of her ability, and provided for every one of us.

Justin got older, and she was always there for me to consult and to guide me through this child-rearing experience. I always had her to go to. She would calm me down and get me to think clearly and figure out the answer on my own. If it wasn't for her, I am sure I would have made some very poor choices over the years. I did anyway, but it could have been oh so much worse.

Now that mom's gone, I have even more respect for what she did in her life. Justin graduated high school and I was nothing but a pile of tears -- feeling as if some major event had happened n my life and wasn't sure I was going to make it through it. Then I remembered that my mother went through that not once but five times. Five times. Amazing. And now ... I am having a real tough time releasing Justin's wings and letting him fly on his own, yet my mother had the strength to do it not once, but over and over again. I wish she was here to guide me, but I have to believe that it's because of her that I am finding some semblance of strength through this.

So what do I have to be thankful for?

My health and that of my friends and family.

My son. He's a great kid ... just going through a tough age. But he's got a heart of gold, and once his maturity catches up to him, he'll have the confidence to show that.

My brother and my sister - two awesome people and I wouldn't trade them for the world.

My friends, for this world would truly suck without them.

My job ... and thankful for that more and more everyday now.

My dogs. Thankfully, I never have to repay them for all they've done for me. I don't know where I'd find that kind of bank.

And I'm sure there's a million other things, but I think I covered the major ones. I think I shed enough tears through this to be able to enjoy the day, I hope. Going out to Janie's to work the dogs. Taking the turkey my boss smoked for me, and will add that to the slew of food Janie and Kirk will have prepared. I am really looking forward to seeing her and her family and spending time just enjoying life for the day.

Mom, I love you and miss you more than anything in the world.

Ed, I hope you are doing well.

Happy tails,
JD