I knew it was going to be bad, but I had no idea, really. I always said, "When I lose Jag, just put me in the looney bin." Who knew how much truth that would hold?
This has brought me to my knees. The entire house is different. Jag was stability for me. Safety. I knew I was ok with him here. I don't have that now. What I can't get over is that, mentally, he was fine. I can't believe I held him while he died, I wrapped him in a blanket, put him in the back of my truck, and had him burned. He's gone. He's fucking gone.
The depression is kicking my ass. I still lay in the spot I put him down in and just sob. I miss hearing him bark. I miss all his fucking hair all over the place. I miss him nudging my arm to pet him some more. And some more. I miss seeing him waiting for me, smiling and wagging his tail, when I pull up in the driveway. I miss watching him lift his head higher, but still letting Reese jump on him. I miss watching Echo trying to charm his non-existent pants off. I miss everything about him, and I'm sick of knowing he's never coming back. I still can't believe it. I feel like I killed my dog.
What now? What the fuck am I going to do? I can't get another guard dog. That's his spot. The tears give me a headache.
And there are some people in this world who are about as comforting as a porcupine on crack. You know who you are. Please kiss my ass.
Jodi, I feel your pain. I had to make the same decision for the Dog of my Soul, my right-hand man, a year ago April, and still I miss him every time I need his skill, his courage, his expertise, or just his companionship. I am comforted in the knowledge that I gave him the gift of relief of suffering, a small reward for all the gifts he gave me in our 14 years together.
ReplyDeleteTime will make it better; trust me.
Thank you, Amy. I think better is the only direction this can go at the moment.
ReplyDeleteAh hell, Jodi. I remember Jag. It won't help to tell you I lost Chippy a couple of years ago. I know that because when other's tell me they lost their heart dog it dosen't help me. But know that I empathize. The pain doesn't go away but the razor will dull. Time, girl. Time. Keep the other's all around you and it will not be so obvious. That's what I did.
ReplyDeleteThanks Jenny. I remember Chip. It sucks losing the old guys. Can you believe Zip is almost 9 now? It's been a while since the old DR days, eh?
ReplyDeleteI wish there was something I could say to take all that away...I would say it in a heartbeat. Hugs to you girl. I wish I was there to help you through this :(
ReplyDeleteI wish I could say something...I am at a loss for words. Just know we are all here for you, when you need an ear. In the short time I got to know Jag - he touched my heart and I could see how much you loved him and he you. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other for now...as you know, only time will ease his passing. Big hug to you Jodi - my thoughts are with you often.
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