"Then"

Well, I am forcing myself to update the blog.  Haven't felt much like talking lately, and I'm really feeling out of sorts and ungrounded.  I knew Jag played a big part in my life, but I never expected to feel quite like this.  It's hard coming home and not seeing him.  It's hard not stepping over him when I come out of the bathroom, or dragging my feet in the middle of the night so as to make sure I don't step on him.  He always got "the best piece" or the "biggest piece" or the "front row" or the "chosen spot" or was "first pick" to come in the house, etc.  He had free reign.  I always told people he could do no wrong, because in my eyes, he couldn't.  And even if he did, who cares?  It's Jag.  So what if he ate the trash.  So what if he came out the gate when i told everyone to stay.  He did things on his own time, and his time was fine with me.

I keep telling myself that this has to get easier.  It hurts to breathe.


Then
   by Jodi Darling


So many years ago, when I walked through the shelter
And saw row after row of sad, lonely faces ...
Concrete walls, metal bars, wet floors,
How do dogs like this end up in these places?

It was my son's 9th Christmas and there I was ...
Looking for that very special friend.
That friend that would love him unconditionally
To be there with that ear that only a dog could lend.

There were lots of dogs ... big ones and small ones
Fat ones and tall ones.
Purebreds and mixed breeds too...
Lots of choices in those runs.

I looked at plenty of them,
dismissing each as if in denial.
Then there you stood, all alone,
In the run at the end of the aisle.

I knew it was you the minute I saw you,
Skinny and wet, and obvious mental scars.
I headed straight to you, leaned down and
Hugged you right through the bars.

And I knew I loved you then.

We wrapped you in a bow,
and in his room you hid.
When Justin came home,
You knew that was your kid.

The bond was quick
The bond was tight
I had no doubt in my mind
We got this one right.

The two of you played
And rolled around on the floor
You'd both get tired,
But you'd be back for more.

And I knew he loved you then.

You matured into a wonderful dog,
Big, gorgeous, proud and strong.
A majestic presence in our home
Right where you belong.

My mom didn't know what to make of you
When she first met you.
You weighed almost as much as she did
She wasn't sure what to do

You quickly wormed your way into her life
Always by her side when she was alone
She'd always say, "I don't really like big dogs,"
And a minute later, hand you a bone.

There was one night when I couldn't sleep
And heard a muffled voice in the other room
I went out to investigate the noise
It had to be my mother's voice, I assume.

Her on the couch, and you in the loveseat,
Watching that cop show she used to enjoy.
She's shares her shrimp scampi with you,
As she's tells you you're such a good boy.

And I knew she loved you then.

Through the death of both my parents,
And through the ugly nasty divorce ...
You were there for me the entire time
Always by my side, of course.

As the years went on, you saw
many dogs come and go.
You raised all the puppies,
Heck, you raised Zip so long ago.

Our lives were intertwined,
So deep words could never express
The love I have for you, or
the meaning behind "Jagness."

That fateful day came, when
we were out on a walk with a friend
I wanted to drop the other dogs off
And walk with you to the other end.

You stumbled a bit down the bank
And I had a feeling down deep
That walk would never happen
The beginning of a promise that I must keep.

Hopefully I did my job and
Kept you comfortable and stress free.
It was the least I could do
For all that you've been for me.

Within a few days, it was obvious
the time had come.
Your hind end had gone out,
Your back legs were all but numb.

Your eyes told me all I needed to know
I didn't need to guess
I needed to suck it up and do what's right
I promised you no less.

Justin came out
To be with you and I.
To spend some time with you
As a final goodbye.

We held you when you left
We cried when you were gone
We miss you like crazy, Jag.
Your memory lives on.

And I know we loved you then, too.  And always will.  Rest in peace, my friend.

Good night, Jag.