Yeah, I'm still on it. I think I'll be here for a while. Good thing Colleen is coming to town. At least I know I'll be drunk.
At least for a minute.
Not while we're out shooting, though. That would be bad.
Shooting. I took my gun safety course last Saturday and got issued my certificate for my concealed weapons permit. Got to handle quite a few guns and got somewhat of a feel of what I'd like to get. I'm looking at getting a Ruger GP100. We'll see. I still want to go down to Impact Guns and shoot at a bunch of stuff and see if I like it. I'll go tomorrow morning and apply with ... whoever I need to apply with ... to start the concealed weapons permit process.
I miss Jag to no end. Was on my way to work yesterday morning, and had a complete and utter breakdown. Had to pull over until it passed so I could see where I was going. I knew his passing would hit me, but man ... this is getting ridiculous. I remember the last week of his life like it was yesterday, and it breaks my heart every time I think about it. How could a big healthy majestic dog just ... go down ... so quickly? There will never be another like him, and I can't even think about bringing in another big white dog -- i.e. every breed of guardian dog available. If I do, I know that pup will end up on my bed, at my side, going with me everywhere I go, eating whatever it wants, doing no wrong ... and basically attempting to fill really big paws. Which would then render this livestock guardian dog ... no longer a guardian, and by definition, basically ... useless. Except to me, I guess. I can't do it. I'm not ready. I don't know if I ever will be. I was looking at Maremma pups last week ... and oh boy are they the cutest things ever. But I know what will happen. And it's not a good mindset to start out with.
I miss my mother. That's just raw. And I'm sure people find that old. I don't care. If I believed ... honestly believed ... for one second that I'd see her once I was dead ... I'd be finding a cliff to jump off. What I wouldn't do to hug her again ... to smell her ... to talk to her ... to hear her laugh ... to watch her expertly rip someone a new asshole ... to have her ask me a bazillion questions ... the same questions that used to bug the crap out of me. I can't believe we're coming up on five years. It is a gaping bottomless pit of a hole in my life. Every day. I still can't hang photos of her in my house. I think about it ... and I tell myself that it would probably do me some good ... and I glance up at the boxes that hold the photos ... and the thought of going through the contents of the boxes make me nauseous. I wonder if that will ever go away.
It's pretty early for this crap to be setting in. It feels like someone is sitting on my chest and I am having a hard time breathing. There's still about a month and a half of this to go. Oh joy.
Jodi
ReplyDeleteIt's totally understandable that you are having a hard time losing your boy. I lost my Tucker earlier this year and had several public breakdowns and I still can't look at his picture. I really want another Boxer, but no, I really just want him.
As to your mom, Jodi, I think your mom would want her daughter to live her life to the fullest, and for you to know that no mom ever truly leaves her daughter- she's in your heart strong as ever. You have to live your life knowing that she is the fabric that made you, and that she is never truly gone. It's just not understandable why the ones we love go too soon, but every day we get up and live our lives, we honor them- their strength, their determination, and their moxie.
Oh, Jody! I still have to tell myself almost every day not to dwell on the last awful night I spent with Chip. I think all you can do is just push it out of your mind. I won't even watch old episodes of Mad About You 'cause his dad is on there and I see Chippy's eyes everytime I look at him.
ReplyDeleteAs for a guardian dog, there are plenty that aren't big and white! I got one right now. I've been wanting to try a Kangal (they are tan with a black face), 'cause I've heard really good things about them but with our weather, I need a rough coat. Of course, you always can get yourself an Anatolian too. And FYI, ALL guardian dog pups are hard to leave out in the barn yard!:)
Think of a nice way to honor your mom this Christmas. Maybe that will make it easier. Even something small. Buy an ornament for her and put it on the front of the tree or think of some sort of celebration of her life. You should plant a tree for her this spring. Scott and I did that for his brother that died.
How about this. My Dad died almost 4 years ago and yet a woman who works at the church he had gone to in his last years was working at midnight a couple weeks ago when she felt someone watching her. She said she turned around and saw someone sitting in one of the pews. She says it was my Dad and that he got up and started walking towards the door and just disappeared. Her little dog that was with her reacted like he had seen a person. Now that gives me the chills! Happy Thanksgiving Dad.
ReplyDeleteWe planted a tree for my sister...that way, everytime I walk past the tree, I am reminded of her and the tree is living proof of life.
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