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Thursday, February 23, 2012


Depression is a beast.  Yeah, I'm putting it out there.  Hell, I talk about every other thing in my life on the internet, might was well delve into this. 

Having a tough day (that's putting it lightly).  The loss of my brother is as raw as the day it happened.  The economy and being jobless is starting to weigh on me.  The stress of it all is flat wearing me out. 

I can't wait for spring to hit so I can get some warm sunshine on my face again.  The grass is staring to green.  And my house is a mess.  I figured I'd better start cleaning the inside of my house, so that when it starts getting really nice out, I won't feel guilty for spending all the time out there with the animals.  A room in my house I haven't done anything with since I moved in is my bedroom.  The amount of dog hair was starting to make me gag.  Damn dogs.  The piles of old paperwork that I am clutching to for no reason was starting to become a fire hazard.  Time to move forward.

Little by little.

So I threw out a bunch of shoes, got rid of a bunch of old clothes, threw out a ton of paperwork and left a pile to be organized, vacuumed up all the dust and dog hair, got the pictures out of my closet and actually cleaned them and hung them on the walls like I'd been meaning to for the last two years, and it feels better already in here. 

Heck, you've seen the rest of my house ... here's my boring bedroom.  Yes, like the rest of my life, my bedroom is black and white, by choice.  I love black curtains.  They keep the light out of the room so you can sleep during the day.  I still don't have closet doors or anything to cover the cubbies with.  Haven't figured out what I'm doing there yet, as the person who built this house made everything to custom size since he was a contractor, yet the people who lived in it after him completely trashed the place and, therefore, the closets have no doors, and to buy them would cost me a fortune.  I'll figure something out eventually.

To the left of the foot of the bed is the giant mound of family photos I've been going through and scanning, a little at a time.  The photo hanging on the wall on the left is my mother's wedding photo.  The next two photos are two pieces of artwork done by an American Indian friend of my mothers.  The larger wolf photo was given to me by my awesome sister.  And the Ansel Adams ... is just one of my favorites.  Peaceful.  Serene.

(Oh, and the layer of black ick on my bedspread ... that's Echo's spot ... and she's kindly blowing her coat for some reason right now.  I'm sick of wiping it off, so I left it there.)

And I love my little Reeses box on the nightstand.  That was given to me by my very cool neighbor!

I guess the nesting is my reaction to the depression, I don't know. 

Something needs to happen. 

Maybe I need to make something happen.



  1. Oh I like the black trim, very tough. At least you don't have "porn doors" - mirrored closet doors. A lot of people seem to love them but I hate them! Ripped my porn doors out and my closet is still open to the world - but at least it inspires me to not leave clothes on the floor in there?

    I have nothing but platitudes re: depression - don't look back, every day is a new day. Stay physically active. Blah blah, I know - I've been depressed and gotten over it and I don't know how I did it. You're not alone :)

  2. Sorry to hear about the depression but once the sun starts shining and it's warmer out it will most likely disappear. I think nesting is a good idea and it always feels better to clean and organize. At least that's not hanging over your head as something to do. Instead of costly closet doors how about hanging a black and white designed curtain on rings that you can just pull back when needed. That way the contents are hidden and you don't have to go for doors. Just a thought.

  3. I agree with Funder Jodi, seems a lot of people are suffering from depression these days. Lots of people out of work with no money. But I've always thought no matter how bad things get the alternative may not be better. Life is not easy, it comes with no guarantee but if you can make the best of it, it is worth it. Look at all you have. Where you were and where you are now. As we get older our family and friends dwindle. I'm down to a handful in my family having lost my Mom many years ago, a sister many many years ago and my Dad a few years ago. I never see my son or grandsons as they still live in Ca. I never see my sisters either. I'm very fortunate to have my 2 daughters near me though. Just get through life one day at a time and cherish the good stuff and get over the bad. Yeah, I know, easier said than done. If its any help, I do understand.

  4. Thanks, you guys. Really. I know some of this is seasonal. The sun is out today and I'm going to go spend some time outside and warm up my face. Tomorrow, I am taking Kahlua to a bomb proofing at an arena near my house. This will be my first ever event with a horse. I'm pretty excited about it. We'll see if anything spooks her. I'm tired of thinking about job/money/house stuff ... so I am going to ignore it for a bit and, like you guys said, feel grateful for what I do have and enjoy it.

    1. Hi Jodi,

      Couldnt help but reply to this post. For years I have suffered from severe depression. Its worse in the winter. (lack of light I think) There are times I want to curl up and die. There have been days where I have stayed in bed, my eyes barely looking over the bed covers. Its a real debilitating disease. Not recognized as such yet. But one day. I feel for you, and understand. There is nothing that I can say to make it better, its just there.
      However, for me, I think I have found a way to deal with it. For me, its a matter of each day being a fresh start. My wife is my rock, and my kids. Joan was pretty much on the money. But good luck, and keep going.

  5. Ikea sells some cutain-y things that are panels that slide on tracks. Maybe something like this would work for your closet?