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Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Scary Territory

This is not a post about dogs or anything interesting.  There are no photos.  This is one of those that I'll probably delete.

I am in unchartered waters, and I feel like I'm about to drown.

I was married for quite a few years to a drunk.  I grew up with drunks in my family, so it was very familiar territory.  Somewhere along the line, though, like after the death of my mother, I decided life was too short to be treated like that, and I would rather be alone than deal with that every day.  So I divorced him. 

And it's been a struggle.  But I've managed.  With the help of many many people, I've fixed my credit, bought the house, and made it more comfortable to live in.  And being alone, I'm emotionally safe.  No one can hurt me.  I don't need to open up to anyone.  I don't need anyone to open up to me.  And life just goes on. 

And then ... out of nowhere ... you get hit in the head with a 90 mph baseball.  Out of left field.  The carpet gets pulled out from under you.  The little "safe" ozone you've spent so much time creating has a leak.  And something managed to seep in.  And that leak is starting to turn into a gaping hole.  And the safe zone is starting to fill with water.  You have two choices.  The safe thing ... run for your life.  Or ... hop on the speedboat, wrap your arms around the captain, and go for the ride of your life.

I am a deer in headlights ... and just as scared.


  1. OK- so the deer is in the headlights of the SPEEDBOAT? Is the deer swimming? Or is the speedboat about to run aground? I didn't even know speedboats HAD headlights, but then I'm a hopeless romantic.

    You should really update me more. And wear water wings just in case.

  2. Take a big breath, then breathe in and out when the panic strikes. I still feel the same way you are describing, every day of my life and we have been married for 5+ years. It is so difficult, but it is, what it is. Simply put and to quote a damn cliche "take it one day at a time". Enjoy each moment for what they are, try to relax and dont future trip - keep it simple and take your time. Being with someone you enjoy does not a commitment make - know what I mean? Ease up, allow the worry to be there, it is what keeps your heart safe, look for red lights, but dont obsess over them. Listen to your instincts, that is what nature gave them to us for.

  3. Sometimes you find treasure in the place you least expect. Little elbow grease and it will reflect all the light in the world. Universe says Jodi is ready even though she doesn't thinks so ;)

  4. No, Jodi, YOU are the captain! The other person is the mate! And the best time to find one is when you haven't been looking! So good luck, and enjoy the ride!